Friday, 5 October 2012

Discover Your Hero Ailment by Mimi Watkins

Have strange things been happening to you recently? Have you recently met monsters and magic or dealt with gods and genies? Do you crave revenge, tread the crooked roads of love or feel the need to venture out on a journey?

...If so you may have caught heroism.

If so please complete this quiz, as untreated heroism can lead to death or increase musical numbers. Treatment varies depending on the strain.


Question 1

Does your birth predispose you to heroism?
(1 point for Yes)

Was your birth or conception unusual in any way?

Did any astrological signs mark your birth (e.g. comets, eclipses)?

Did anyone attempt to kill you at birth?

Were you raised by foster parents?

Were any of your ancestors deities?

2 points + puts you in the at-risk category for being a hero. At this point an intervention may be successful. The patient should be taught mathematics to a high level and poetry should be completely avoided.
           
                                                               
Question 2

A pretty woman calls for you to rescue her from a high tower in a burning castle, what do you do?

A.  Loot the castle then rescue the girl – she’ll prove useful in carrying the loot home.

B.  Write a poem mourning the loss of that beautiful girl who was probably the only living soul who could ever understand you. Following this you commit to a decade long plan of revenge to murder everyone responsible.

C.  Run with your tail between your legs in fear from the fire and the dragon which set the castle alight. Unfortunately you end up straight in the dragons waiting claws. Luckily earlier that day you had fallen into a dank bog and had become somewhat slime ridden. You therefore fall from the dragon's clutches onto the bed of the waiting woman. Fortunately your knot-work saves the day as you knot together a small hang-glider out of bed sheets and you both fly safely away.

D.  Climb the stone tower using only a cake fork and a small length of thyme, rescue the girl and be back in time for dinner.


Question 3

A thief steals something from you, what do you do?

A.  Follow the thief to his local drinking hole. Disguise yourself then attract a large crowd with tall tales of your adventures. Tell the story of a magical item (whatever was stolen) that you once almost got hold of but which slipped through your hands into the hands of another. Say that this item has the power to multiply by 100 whatever is placed next to it in the light of the full moon as long as no one watches. Wait and observe the thief on the night of the next full moon as he averts his gaze, steal back the item and other valuable items the thief has greedily obtained.

B.  Follow the thief then engage his services. If he can successfully steal from you, he is obviously good at his work. Send the thief to steal letters from your blackmailer who knows of your dark past. In the letters place, leave a single marigold.

C.  Your only valuable item was stolen. Left dissolute, you set out to seek your fortune in the wide world.

D.  Take your whip from your belt and whip it around the thief’s ankles. Retrieve your property then stride on your merry way.


Question 4

Your quest is successful; you found what you were seeking for. What do you now do?

A.  Enjoy your winnings until you become bored.

B.   Mope. What you were searching for was never what truly mattered.

C.  Go home to your quiet life a little wiser, a little richer, and with many plans about how to avoid further troublesome adventures.

D.  Your quest may have been successful but you died heroically in the process. Valkyries carry you off to Valhala.


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Diagnosis

Mainly As
You are an Anti-Hero.
You fall into the same company as Jean Valjean, Coyote, Maui, Lord Asriel and Doctor Who. Your good deeds often do great harm while your evil deeds often end up heroic. Survival rates for Anti-Heroes are often good as the condition comes with a self-preservation instinct. However this condition can develop into Action Hero or Byronic hero if attachments with causes or people are allowed to grow. Such a development may lead to self-sacrifice and a brave but fool-hardy death.

Mainly Bs
You are a Byronic hero.
You are proud, moody, cynical, with defiance written across your brow. Misery lives in your heart, scornful and implacable in revenge, yet capable of deep and strong affection. You are scarcely seen to smile, and seldom heard to sigh. As a soul of loneliness and mystery, you share company with Heathcliff, Edmond Dantes, Hamlet and Orlando. Your charisma and intelligence will allow you to survive but your arrogance and ego will destroy those around you. This archetype is currently very attractive to women but your relationships will be tormented.

Mainly Cs
You are a Reluctant Hero.
Much as you try to escape fate you will end up on an adventure. You may feel your skills are little suited for such a role but your small actions have rippling effects. You are the hero equivalent of the quantum chaos butterfly. You share company with Bilbo Baggins, Han Solo, Shrek, Rincewind and Mole. You won’t escape by out-running your problems but a small amount of bravery will go a long way.

Mainly Ds
You are an Action Hero.
You share company with Jackie Chan, Aragorn, d’Artagnan, Don Diego "Zorro" de la Vega, Wonder Woman and Xena. Fearless, you save the day with your strength and skills. However you may lack the intelligence of type A and B heroes as a result. Type Ds often have a considerably reduced lifespan.

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